Victoria Morello's Diary

OOC: This is her diary. If you continue to read, you must make the choice of either reading OOCly for entertainment or reading ICly (digging through her shit to find this).


A regular spiral notebook is tucked underneath her mattress, with a black ink ball pen.


11/8/2186
   There's some crazy shit going on right now. Connie told us that we were on the same planet as something the exact size of a Geth Flagship. There was a machine that was giving everyone headaches and making sounds, like whispers. And we found a corpse. It looked like the husks; it had the lights and tubes and shit, but it wasn't made out of a human. Someone said it looked like a Batarian. We were on a Batarian planet. And we heard these really, really loud sounds. They were like foghorns, but angry. I'm not going to talk to anyone about how I'm feeling about this. If I vocalize any fear, that fear becomes real. The most important thing is staying focused.
   I got in trouble with a few people today. Kelce, Greene, and William. I was talking over the radio trying to ask a question that I honestly think was important. I don't remember exactly what it was, but I was asking Connie a question about the identity of our presumed enemy. Kelce told me to keep the comms quiet, and I said I was asking something important. Greene held me back a moment to tell me to not talk back. I also got into what Sykes and William must have seen as an argument with William. He kept saying these really negative things. I get we're on the same planet as a Geth Flagship, and we all just had synchronized headaches and a bunch of other wacky shit, but we're marines, and we're the first people to experience this shit. It's time to keep it together. Maybe I'm seeing something they aren't, or the other way around. I don't know, I just feel like every movie I've watched where something that no one has ever seen before happens, I think "Get rid of that guy who keeps whining about how scared he is!" I know what I said shouldn't have been said. At least not with my rank. But something about what we're experiencing is telling me that none of us can fuck around here, and I truly believe that the things I spoke against were fuck-ups.
   I like Sam, and Adande. Jason's okay too. I wish someone else would have yelled at me for what I did instead of those two, though. I want them to see me the way First Sergeant West did. I hope he'd be proud of me, and understand why I said what I said. I hope I'm doing the right thing.
   With everything that's happened, I still feel like I belong here. I need to remember that.

11/9/2186
   It's the Reapers. My first deployment ever was to investigate one of the first planets to be destroyed by the Reapers. I heard a Reaper, I saw a Cannibal body and watched it bleed. The Reapers aren't supposed to be real. The Reapers aren't supposed to come until we're ready, until we suspect it. But I watched hundreds of them land. The new guy told me they landed in every major city. Rome included. Chicago must have been one. Maybe Seattle, too. The beams take out city blocks in single strokes. Each building in Rome holds hundreds of years of history, including my childhood. My grandparents when they met. Ghost hunters say that residual energy from the past echoes within buildings, within the walls and within rock and stone. What if it's all destroyed? Can energy actually be destroyed by these monsters?
   I'm going to write something for myself. I don't fully believe in what I'm writing, and the confidence and energy needed to write it, I don't know where it's coming from. But I have to do this.
   My name is Victoria Lucia Morello. I'm 20 years old, and I'm on the 2nd MSRC as a Private. I was transferred from the 14th on SSV New Dehli under First Sergeant West's command. Two days ago, I heard the horn of a Reaper on a distant Batarian planet and saw a Cannibal body. Yesterday, I saw a Reaper. Today, I watched hundreds of Reapers land on Earth, I watched two people die, and a fatal act of heroism. If you're reading this, we've won the war, and I've posted this to the extranet. I would say that if you're reading this, I'm dead, but those beams... they don't leave anything behind. This is the end of the galaxy, and I am on the team that billions of people are counting on to stop it.

11/10/2186
What is the worst thing that can happen in result of over-stimulation? Because that's what's happening right now.
   We boarded a Cerberus ship to retrieve data that's needed for the Catalyst. Shepard got half, Cerberus got the rest. I killed 4 of them. Once we got a hold of the information, a hologram of a man appeared and told us not to fuck with Cerberus again. How powerful can this man be if he's barely bothered by such valuable information being taken?
   When we were leaving the ship, we came across some sort of experimental tube with a Collector inside. The Collector broke out of it, and hid behind a terminal, and stared at us. He was trying to show he was friendly from the second he was broken free. An explosion happened in result of some malfunction, and he protected us, using biotics. We came closer to him, and noticed he had some wires sticking out of the back of his head. He didn't attack us at all. He just pointed to this room to his left. We walked in, and found Reaper technology. And this box.
   I watched a friendly Collector take a Prothean box out of a container, and cradle it, like it was his child. I knew something important was going on, another first in the four days I've been here. I recorded it. The ship was going to explode or something-- strange how you forget something like that in the middle of something completely new-- so we took the Collector with us. He was completely cooperative. Sam looked so uncomfortable on the ride back with the Collector on the Kodiak. The Collector just sat, looking down at the box.
   When I got back, I worked out to clear my mind, and showered and all that. I couldn't stop thinking about the Collector. This had to be important. I knew he was being kept in the brig, so I went into the other brig room. He looked up at me, and then back at his few belongings. A cloth, some shard of something, and a pistol. I'd be concerned about letting him have the pistol in there, but he was completely neutral. If he wanted to hurt us, he would have by then.
   We talked. We actually talked. He shot his pistol off, and this sort of energy glowed. He manipulated it, drew into the floor. He drew a small head, that looked similar to a Collector's head. And then a Collector head. Through a whole lot of sign language, I was able to figure out that Collectors are husks of Protheans, and that this specific Prothean was released from Reaper control when he broke free from the tube. This gave me a revelation, but I'm not done talking about what happened with this guy yet. I'll touch on that in a second. He told me about his past, before the Reapers arrived. I decided to keep it to myself, since it seemed irrelevant to the moment. He trusted me with that information. I'm not going to write it here, because I don't want anyone to have access to this in the future.
   Once I was done talking to him, I let him relax. Minutes later, Greene entered the brig room that the Prothean was in, and I went into the other one, to make sure everything went the way it should. I was the only one that knew how much of an asset this Prothean was. The only one that knew that it was a Prothean (until I later found out that the Normandy provided this information to Greene before we even deployed today). I needed to protect him, because he wasn't going to do it himself. I witnessed something... very important. I couldn't record, I wasn't in my armor. Maybe it shouldn't have been recorded, anyway. The Prothean picked up the shard, and gave it to Greene. Greene, as Connie said, went into almost cardiac arrest. He was thrown into the wall of the brig, with his nose bleeding, and for 20 seconds, he just stared. Then, he started talking to the Prothean. I couldn't hear the Prothean talking, only Greene could. Greene explained that the Collector, whose name is Krevik, used the shard to sort-of sync up with Greene. He showed him the fall of Prothean society. Those were Greene's words. I didn't know how else to express to Krevik, after hearing his personal story and what his emotions were at that moment, that he couldn't hurt himself and that we desperately needed him to stay with us. I hugged him, and I gave him my old stuffed turtle from when I was a kid. Adande pulled me aside and told me that maybe a different gesture would have been appropriate. He kinda talked to me like I was stupid right then. I didn't have any other objects that were as important to me as that turtle, and it was all I had. I definitely didn't need to give him anything, though. I had spent at least an hour trying to show him my trust.
   The rest of the night was relaxing. I fucked around (maybe flirted a little) with Chevalier, and had a really reassuring conversation with Greene. But my revelation about Cerberus is still unwritten.
   Krevik was still under the influence of the Reapers when he was connected to those wires, inside that tube. But that tube didn't look like Reaper tech, it looked like Cerberus tech. So Cerberus managed to... figure out how to channel Reaper influence through those wires, or something like that. I think they're allied, Cerberus and the Reapers, but writing that down just... makes me feel dumb. Reapers are ruthless, and are killing humans for sport. Why would they trust Cerberus? But then, why would Cerberus have access to such intense information? Like I said, I'm over-stimulated. Too many questions are running through my head. For now, I think it's best that I just understand that Cerberus is as much of an enemy as the Reapers are, and leave it at that.

11/12/2186
Today, we had our biotics toss apart a pile of dead bodies aside from a door so we could get into a building to rescue 13 adults, one pregnant woman. And what is everyone freaking out about? Sam.
  Yesterday, we landed in Houston to pick up a replacement for Kelce, since he found his way to his brother and decided to stay with him, which is a shame. I haven't talked much to the replacement yet. When we were headed to somewhere safer after picking her up, a Brute barreled down the street at me and delivered the most amount of pain I've ever experienced since I was 15. I had three broken ribs and a pierced spleen because the Brute picked me up and squeezed me. Sykes did amazing work, as well as Greene, to make sure I got my treatment as soon as possible. I'm endlessly grateful for that, because the next day, today, I witnessed what could have happened if it hadn't been treated.
  I woke up feeling operational, which is goddamn magic. We had a short objectice to go and rescue a group sticking it out in a mall three blocks from us. We made our way, and when we got there, we saw that pile of bodies. I don't want to talk about it any more than that. We got inside and were immediately in combat with some less-worrying enemy. On our way up to the third floor, a Brute came down the stairs, but we took care of him quickly. I stayed hidden during that fight. I wasn't going to let myself get hurt again. They finished him off, and we headed up, when a husky jumped on top of Irini. Flynt, trying to save Irini, took a stab at the husk, but ended up... mangling her face instead. She has awful scarring all over her face and neck. I didn't stick around for long because Banned had one team move forward, but apparently, she didn't get any treatment whatsoever until we got back to the base, which is disgustingly disappointing to me.
  When we got back. a whole lot of shit happened with Sam, and I'm too fucking pissed about how much our crew has obsessed over him. I would say that the only thing we need to worry about is losing a set of implants, but we still have two biotics who are much more talented and stable than he is. I hope he gets his shit together fast, otherwise he's going to die. And... he's got a lot of passion, I'd hate to see it go to waste.
  More shit happened, but I'm done dwelling on today. I'll end this entry with a shout-out to the only smart guy on our team, Vernon. Respect.

11/14/2186
Right before we left for the hospital, something that shocked me happened. Adande flirted with me. I'll talk about this later, since more important things happened.
  We took off to the hospital today. Fighting our way up was probably the most intense fight I've had so far. Tons of Cannibals, tons of Husks, a handful of Turian-Reapers, which have no name yet, I think. Too new. It breaks my heart. But there were two new Reapers that were much harder to identify. Something called a Scion, which I learned the name from Krevik. Its' fucking arm is a cannon, and the cannon does serious damage. Chevalier would have died if it weren't for a well-timed roll. The cannon ripped up the ground where Sam was standing moments before, and he was standing at point-blank. I was close to him when that happened. It's crazy, how quickly the amount of life-threatening experiences I've had and experieced from others in the past week. God, one week we've been doing this. It feels so much longer than that.
  There was something else in the hospital itself. I think it was a Vorcha-Reaper. It acted so much differently than the rest, though. Most Reapers attack on sight with no emotion. This thing saw us, ran away, and teased us until finally appearing. It sounded like a hyena. We took it down fairly quickly, but it was strong. I could tell.
  We got to the top of the hospital, where everyone had been pushed to. The building is almost completely destroyed up there. They managed to use materials to re-build the essentials, but half of it has no wall, with a perfect view of ten huge fires, all within 20 miles in Houston, and a single Sovereign. I'm sitting, looking out at it now. It's looking to my left. I can see the shadow of the hills maybe a klick out. The moon, which looks strangely beautiful, is directly above the Sovereign. Those fires should be big enough to smoke out the Reaper, but it isn't.
  I'm going to write about the happier things that have happened lately. When we were still stationed in the pawn shop, I was waking up to take a shift outside. Adande was out there alone. at about 1 in the morning. I said I'd relieve him, but he refused, which is fine. I wouldn't want to be there alone with Connie. I... usually think I'm good at recalling events, but this happened so quickly, it's hard to figure out how it happened. At some point, after we were talking for awhile, I was led up to asking "Are you flirting with me right now?" He said "Yes."
  I was excited. I hadn't been with anyone, shown any serious affection, since 17. We were talking and I suddenly remembered something from when I was high while Sykes treated me. I had to be completely topless for the surgery. I'm so glad I never looked down at it happening, but I'm so shocked that the painkillers were just strong enough to make me not feel a thing while simultaneously keeping me awake. Adande and Sam were in the room, and when the surgery was done, I asked Adande to cover me up, which he did, with a little blanket. I remember me asking him while I was high, "Did you look? Did you see me?" Which he never answered. I was all flirty at the moment, so I asked him when we were on watch to answer my question. He said yes. I made this joke, which is so bad I won't even repeat it here, it's embarrassing. But it hit me right after I said that (maybe because I had taken it too far) that we couldn't have kept going. He agreed, and we were quiet, until eventually my shift was over. I don't think he slept that night.

I'm writing again on the same day. When I set my pencil down and everything, I went to go see what was going on, and Chevalier was talking to Greene like he was saying his last words to him from a medical table. It turned out, after asking questions, that Krevik was going to try to heal Chev. Everyone was treating it like there was no chance of survival for him. I tried to talk to Sam right before the surgery, but he... was somewhere else. He made it out in the end, and he came out different, like he finally understood what he had been doing. He was in his boxers, too, which he made jokes about. This fucker waited until an N7, LtCmd, Spectre flirted with me to return my flirting to him. He missed his chance, I think. God, everyone on this crew is so perfect and hot.
  I'm going to go talk to some of the kids here. They seem bored.

11/15/2186
Today, Irini Sykes passed away. She was killed by a new Asari Reaper, and I watched it happen. Watching her die after fighting up through all of those hospital floors and the final push woke me up to something. Anyone can die at any moment. No one is safe. The Reapers don't discriminate, they don't even pick weaker targets. They kill everything without order. Our commander could die at any moment, and no amount of training can save him. All of our biotics could die, all our crew, all of our unit. All of our medics.
  Everything is about healing right now. Remembering how strong Irini was, how fucking perfect her medical work always was, how no one could ever find anything bad about her. She was truly selfless. Thank you, Irini. You have brought me closer to my crew and to the true nature of this war. I just wish it didn't happen the way it did.

11/17/2186
I spent hours yelling at Sam to get him to be fucking happy. He opened up to me and told me his past, and acted like everything he told me was an excuse for being as depressed as he is. I care about him because he doesn't care about himself. I hope everything I said resonated.
   I've been rejected by him a few times. I'm probably not going to stop fucking with him, but I'm done pursuing him. It made me feel like shit every time. He's right. There's a war going on. I really hate myself for prioritizing the wrong thing. I might just be a PFC, but I still have responsibilities. Maybe I shouldn't keep fucking with him, or anyone. It'll take one comment for the whole crew to think I'm childish and focused on the wrong thing, and I won't let that happen.
   I watched a Destroyer class take out around 150 people in one beam. That's what I should be focused on. I fucking hate myself. Stupid fucking child.

11/18/2186
I had a real conversation with Flynt to start today. He's really easy to talk to. I felt totally comfortable just opening up to him right away and telling him about how I've been feeling about the flirting shit lately. He completely disagreed with Sam's point, which was that we're in war. He said that we never know when this war was going to end and if someone has the chance to love, then they should. I totally agree with him. I was able to comfort him a little, too. He generally seemed like he was losing control a bit. I gave him my best advice, and he took it. For once in the past few days, someone just heard my advice and took it, no fighting. I can't say the same for Sam or Greene.
   Early this morning, while everyone was still asleep, Greene asked me on a deep recon. We worked together pretty well. He's a very rewarding battle buddy. When we got back, he showed me how to get up to that sniper tower on the wall and we hung out up there for a little. He opened up to me, and said a lot of things that worried me.
   He explained how he felt that he was only looked at like a commander, not a friend. He said he hated that people stopped talking when he came into the room, or never came to him when they were sad, even though he tries really hard to talk to everyone, no matter how much work he has to do. I've seen that part firsthand, for sure. I told him that, although I understood where he was coming from, he was putting this stress on himself, and he opted out for genuine connections when he put on the N7 armor. He kept trying to come up with excuses about why he doesn't do anything wrong, why everyone else just doesn't treat him the way he deserves, and I told him that he was playing the victim card. He said something like "I'm allowed to play the victim card because how hard I work."
   I used something he said before to prove him wrong. He wants to be seen as one of the guys, right, and not the N7 Spectre whatever he is? But then he says he's better than us, although not directly, by saying that he works harder than everyone. I kept pointing out little flaws in his argument like that until he saw that I was right. He thanked me for kicking his ass and left me up there to think on what we talked about.
   I remember being so scared at his anger that I forgot about something he said that seemed almost personal. He said something like "I meet this girl and think "huh, she reminds me of someone I used to love" and then I find out she's trying to get at my Service Chief who just treated her like shit the last night."
   I feel awful. I distracted the Commander so much that he had that breakdown, and it was all because of this flirting shit I'm doing. I want to say that I can't control myself, but I can. I just... I don't want to. I get that we need to stay focused, all of us, but even Sam said that our humanity is what's going to win this war. So of course I'm going to be human, of course I'm going to essentially harass every good looking guy on this crew. Because that's my humanity, and I'm going to use it as much as I can. Nobody's complained but me, and I'm spending more than enough time staying focused on any objective I'm given, so I think I've got the right.
   On a lighter note, I sparred with Greene, and he recorded me saying "Get on top of me!" because he kept winning in the spar and then he gave me an advantage by getting off of me. Then, when I finally get a dominant position on him, this fucker says "Finally, got you on top of me." I wasn't sure if it was a tactic to get me distracted so he could land the move that he did, or if he actually meant that. Well, I wasn't sure, until I chased him down and kissed him, and he didn't combat at all. He actually (this is so hard to write without freaking out) sort-of slapped my ass. It was more of a pat, like a "Get moving, Vicky", but I don't know. I made a sexual harassment joke and he said "SHARP me later." This guy is a much better chase than Sam. I've made my choice. I think the best part about this decision is that if I ever get too lost in all of this, Greene will be the first to stop me, and he'll set me straight. I feel safe in my choices, and I don't feel too distracted.
   I fucked up today, though. We were going to rescue some Russians and only one was left, and all we had to do was protect that last guy. We didn't. A Brute killed him. A fucking random civilian had to help us out. We're all a little weak in our combat right now, and it's got to stop. Hopefully Banner will see it soon, and get us some training. Or maybe I should just take the responsibility upon myself. Yeah, I'll do that.

11/20/2186
Today, while I was on the wall, I saw a dog. I had to help. I got Flynt, and we chased her down until she was cornered. I gave her some water to help her trust me, and her puppy came around the corner. We tried to get back the base, and Cannibals ambushed us. The mother jumped in front of the puppy, and the mother died. We held a funeral. I... really don't feel up to writing right now. I just thought I would write about what happened so I don't forget to later. But this hurt me. This hurts a lot.
   I should also touch on something, but I don't want to get detailed. I plan to publish this, if we win the war, and I'd like to keep some things private. Last night, Greene and I made it official. I can't believe I was so blind to the right choice.
I apologize in advance to anyone who wanted to read this-- my future self, or fellow Reaper war survivors. I'll try my best not to write such short entries. I'm just so tired. I got thrown off a building, so. I'm okay, though.

11/24/2186
We got out of Moscow, just barely. I watched a nuke drop. I'm not sure, but I fucking hope it took down that Destroyer. And I hope that nukes aren't the only thing that can do that.
   I hope Flynt is alright. I don't know much, but something happened with some sort of exchange with Banner and a hostage, or something like that, with Flynt, too. He's in the medbay and I can't talk to him yet. I feel like I can't talk to anyone yet. Everyone's so damn tense. Maybe this is the right thing for me right now, to not know, and just do what I'm told. For a little awhile, until we can't afford it. If that time ever comes.

11/25/2186
  I'm up in Greene's cabin now. He's asleep, and I'm sitting next to him. Today has been exhausting and depressing. I went to talk to Flynt once he woke up today, and asked him how he was feeling. I remember resting my elbow on the medical bed he was on, and Kotta yelled at me. I wish that was the most of my worries now.
  When I stopped talking to Flynt to let him be after a few dirty looks from Kotta, he got up and left the medbay. Connie was able to radio in that "Flynt is en-route to the hangar." before she went haywire, too. I ran down after him and so did Greene and Banner. He got into the Kodiak and Greene pushed me out of the way so I couldn't hear what he said before Flynt left. The kodiak took off, and Greene was yelling some just awful things, I mean truly selfish and evil things, as it went. Connie couldn't close the hangar doors in time because she was still glitched out, and she kept radioing in these Reaper-like noises. All static, but, to me, it sounded like Reaper static.
  I ran upstairs after Greene, since he was walking in this kinda scary way. He went into the medbay and shot Krevik in the head, saying that "he was a risk" too. Something even more serious than a Cerberus hostage situation happened above the hangar a few days ago because it convinced Greene that he had to kill Krevik for the crew's safety. Execute him. Give him this disgusting funeral, saying "We don't give funerals for traitors." He fucking said that. Those words came out of his mouth and into my ear.
  He went to go deal with Flynt and Connie, which I guess he never really did, considering (as far as I know) we don't have a plan to rescue Flynt and we currently do not have AI, which is putting a ton of our crew at constant work. I got drunk. It isn't an excuse, and I know that now, but I did it because I couldn't believe that Greene had done all of that shit, all of it, all at once. I felt like I didn't know him. Right now, in his bed, I still feel like I don't know him. At least not as well as I used to, or thought I used to.
  I went downstairs. I'm in the barracks now, my own bed. I left something of mine up there with him so when he wakes up, he knows I'm not mad. I just needed space. I couldn't be in that bed.
 I ended up getting drunk enough to say some shit to Sam that I recall made him actually uncomfortable, which makes me even think I don't know myself. I'm not a creep. And this thing that happened with this new guy, Miller, he's gotta think I'm a creep now, too. He straight-up told me he did, actually. Anyway. Greene heard Sam and I talking. He was laying outside the bar, and I suspect he was drinking. When I went to go make myself throw up, try to get some of the shit out of my system per Chevalier, Greene knocked on the bathroom door, asking what the sound was. I said I was fine. I didn't want to talk to him. I hadn't, at that point, since the incident happened. He stormed off, and I chased him down. Something really didn't seem right and my anger turned into concern.
  We got into an argument. I don't think going into details is necessary, and I don't want to. But both of us got reminded of our pasts. Him, of Englewood. Me, of Jack. I don't want to write about this part anymore. Point is, we fought pretty intensely, no one is physically hurt, and both of us have leftover anger/sadness, probably.
So, there's the summary. Here's how I feel.
  I feel like a child. I'm done fucking around with Sam. I realized I loved Greene last night, or at least who I think Greene is. Regardless, Sam's a lost cause and I'm not even fucking with him because I want him. I just don't want a rejection on my list, and he's the first one. I'm also done acting like this ship is anything but a post. Yeah, this is the end of the war and I'm on a special crew, but I have just as much reason to say "I'm going to do what I feel I need to" as I do saying "I'm going to do what I'm told." And recently, I've done some really dumb shit, so the better option is to do what I'm told. I see what this crew thinks of me. I don't need to hear it, I know it. I'm a 20-year-old girl, not woman, to them, who can't control her emotions. We don't have time for that kind of person, so I'm done being that person.
  I feel discouraged. I just lost a good friend of mine. He's not dead, he just walked out on us. I can guess that we're going to go get him back, but he won't be the same. He won't want to come back. If he left what he called his family during the end of the world, then he must have his reasons. I hope we get him back, figure this out, and move on. He's so valuable. Also... I just realized I'm the only CQC now. I'm going to be used more for my role now that a senior CQC is gone. I'm ready for that, and excited for it... I just wish it didn't happen the way it did.
  I feel wronged, and tricked. I thought I knew Greene. I'll still tell him I love him, because I do. Maybe I don't. I don't know. I thought I learned just who he was on that tower in Moscow, but then... he yells "I made you, you were nothing without me" at Flynt? How disgusting is that? So what if you did (even though you didn't)? He's still a great guy, and he's never say something like that to anyone, ever. And he didn't "make" Flynt. Flynt did. And if Flynt didn't do it, then Rachel did. Fucking sick. That, and his... quick temper. He didn't have to kill Krevik. He is not only a Lieutenant Commander, which gets him a whole lot of privilege and a lot of willing-to-listen ears, but he's N7, which just frames him in gold. And to top it off, he's a fucking Spectre, which gives him infinite resources. We could have fucking imprisoned Krevik somewhere he could not escape, somewhere he could not send any information to the Reapers from, with Greene's resources. I understand his choice. Tensions were high, and he didn't want to waste another second while there was a threat on-board. But he has three supreme titles, that when combined, make him legendary. He did not live up to that, and it's his job to do so. Not only have I lost faith in him because of this, but also because he did this to a friend. Not another second of thought. If there's even any time, I'm going to re-connect with Greene. I know what he's sensitive about, and I definitely know what his flaws are. I just don't know who he is. From a conversation I've had with him in the past about this same topic, I don't think he does, either.
  I'm going to focus on my job. Listen to Sam, do what I can to be an outstanding Private First Class. I can't fuck anything up if I do that, and we can't afford anything but exactly that.

11/26/2186
Too cold to write. Writing in short phrases. Deployed to Amsterdam, crashed in Northern Italy, spitting distance from Venice. I'm the only one that knows that. This is my home country.
  New Reaper unit. Very big, looks alright. Giant cannon attached to arm, shoots mini bombs. Nicknamed "Obliterator." Might be blind, or generally bad eyesight. Couldn't see my armor lights moving in a dark corner when he stared at me.
  Extremely cold. Emergency warning systems broke, so are shields. We all stuffed hay in our armor. Itchy. It's apparently -42. We all sleep inches from fire now.
  Saw a man hanging, fresh body. At least ten skeletons, civilian, in barn we stay in now.
  Still love Greene. Almost completely over argument with him. Or focused on other things.Really enjoy Miller's company. Hope he does, too.
  Missing Milo. Missing Flynt. Getting hungry.

11/28/2186
  I'm warm now, so I can write better. We moved from the last place to a home that belonged to a military family. A missing father who went off to fight, a mother, a child and a baby. They're all dead, and I saw their bodies. The baby, too. We buried them together and left their Christmas presents unopened. The fire was still going. Adande and I, I think, we're the most affected by the bodies we saw. Me, for obvious reasons because of the endometriosis, and him, because his daughter. He hasn't been able to call her since we crashed. It's been three days now, and he thinks she'll be crazy worried. I hope the team taking care of her is doing their best.
  On a patrol, I and a few others suffered injuries from the Obliterator, however I ended up the worst. This pain was much worse than the first time I broke my ribs. He picked me up and slammed me around. I don't even remember it happening. All I know is that I came out with a broken leg, dislocated arm, and three broken ribs. Adande did something that I'll have to repay him for some time. He took all of his power out of his suit and put it into a heated omniwall so he could take my armor off and treat me without freezing me. Eventually, the power died since he had to override the suit, and he was stuck without heat. I feel guilty.
  We moved on to the safe zone once we all felt like we could do it. I felt like shit being on that ramp while everyone else worked, huffing and puffing. I told jokes to play it off, but it brought me back to a time I wish I could fucking forget. Sitting in that fucking bed with chronic pain and the burden of infertility while my friends were going to prom and having sex for the first time. So, so fucking lazy. Fucking hate myself.
  The safe zone didn't welcome us kindly. They had been shit up by a group of Alliance marines recently and were weary of us because of it, rightfully so. They took us to a spare room where we set up, and then we went to go meet their leader, which was a first-generation VI, hooked up to tons of power sources and missing lots of parts. The people are kind, and not what I thought originally-- more Reaper worshippers, which I will touch on in a minute-- but their leader is a VI. VI are supposed to follow orders from their owner or the agenda given to them by an owner. So, who's this VI's owner? What goal have they placed on the VI, and how is it affecting this safe zone? If we take these citizens back when we escape, will they be safe? Will we?
  When we were making our way to the safe zone, we ran into a hostile group of humans. They were firing at us, and eventually, we found out that they worshipped the Reapers and intended to take our bodies to Cannibals and shit. They had a special connection to the Reaper, which Banner apparently named 'Hannibal', and were viewing his as a sort of leader. I had to stay behind, but after we went and talked to the VI, the group left me and Adande behind to go scout out the church that we'd been pointed to to investigate the worshippers. They came back with Miller with broken legs, arms, and spine. I think he lost an eyeball, too. From the same fucking monster that got me. I was so busy helping out with the other injured that I never asked if they killed it. Chevalier was already exhausted from Krevik, and he came back with almost fried implants again. In some last defense, he released all of his energy at once. He's exhausted now, and I played nurse for him, as well as Oshner who had a hole in his chest and Rachel who was suffering from some mental stuff involving both Flynt and trauma from the fight. It made me feel so much better to help everyone I could, along with Vernon. It totally took away that feeling of laziness. I was doing everything I could to make things better with a locked leg and healing ribs.
  We need to leave ASAP. The leader of that worship group is apparently missing now, and he was mad. That monster may or may not be alive. And we have four people who are no longer in fighting condition.
To the Reapers: You have pissed me off.

12/4/2186
This diary makes me feel awful, writing in it. My fucking emotions get in the way of everything, and here I am, delving into them. So fuck that. This is a planner now. A planner on how I'm going to change, because I fucking need to.

Things I Need To Keep The Same
1. My anger towards the Reapers, because I have to remember what I'm fighting for.
2. My love for the 2nd MSRC, because they are the people I listen to and they are my family during this war.
3. My relationship with Greene, because he's already told me he's afraid of losing me, and I can't let this self-hatred take something good away from me. Not again.
4.


Things I Need To Change
1. My attitude, because it's bothering every rank above me. Sam's the only one that's said something, but I can see it. And I can't let Greene find out about it. I'll lose him. We're already in this fucking argument, and he almost died-- I'm done writing about this. I'm getting into my emotions and those don't matter anymore.
2. My priorities, because they're not right. I need to prioritize whatever my seniors tell me to do.
3. My recent choice that I make my own decisions. I was in that fucking base for two years, practicing for this, exactly what I'm doing now, and I'm suddenly acting like I've never been trained. I am not a civilian. I am not a civilian.
4. The amount of time I spend training. It's all I'm going to do now. I have a job and I am not fucking doing it.
5. I need to train Milo more often. He's becoming a mascot more than a part of the unit.

These changes start now. I'm getting up, getting Greene his food and water, reading him the news if there are any updates, and getting to training.

12/4/2186 added